Interview with Paul Hawksbee for Fromthelane.co.uk

Paul Hawksbee is a broadcaster, writer and life long loyal Spurs supporter. He has written comedy for the likes of Frankie Howard, The Two Ronnies, Harry Hill’s TV Burp and many many more. Oh and in his spare time away from the lane and comedy he co-hosts the excellent Hawksbee and Jacobs show (1pm to 4pm) on Talksport. Paul kindly took the time to allow fromthelane.co.uk to visit him at Talksport Towers to answers some questions from the messageboard members.

“Hello Paul thanks for taking the time to speak to fromthelane.co.uk”

“no problem”

ok first question..

Would you like to see a return of Fantasy football with a weekly show looking at the premiership and the championship?

“yeah I would. I think Frank and David preferred it when it was a weekly show looking at the premiership, rather than just world cups, as there was loads to get the teeth into and the show had a real pace of its own. Obviously its up to the broadcasters, but I’m sure Frank and David would love to see it return. I never worked on the week-to-week show, I was involved in the world cup and European championship shows. Andy (Jacobs) worked on the weekly show. It was hard work, but very enjoyable to make”.

Do you rate Martin Jol?

I do, I really think he is a good manager. There has been a few pockets of dissent saying he’s got this wrong he’s got that wrong, but he is going to get things wrong from time to time. All managers get things wrong. But there is just something about him; there is a Keith Burkinshaw quality about him.

I was talking to Mickey Hazard the other day on the show, and I said then, there is touch of the Burkinshaws about him, and Mickey agreed and he obviously served under Keith. He seems to relate well to the players and comes across as the man in charge. Although he does seem to be married to one or two players that he sticks with through thick and thin, overall he is a good manager. When he goes I believe it will his choice. It wont be us sacking him but him leaving.

We have a big divide on the message board of pro and anti Jol

We still have some weaknesses in the team that need to be addressed, and I hope he knows what they are. He has inherited some players like Lee who was Arnesen’s player, and there are some players that aren’t really up to the standard the premiership requires, but they are not Jol’s players. Berbatov for example; when I was talking to our German football expert last year when we signed him, I asked what he thought of Berbs. He said he’s good, but for 10.7 million he isn’t that good, and yet he has been better than anyone could have imagined. Owen Hargreaves said the other day he has been a much better player in the premiership, and it was Jol who spotted that. If we was to sell him tomorrow and I sincerely hope we don’t, we would double our money, so that Is good management.

If Jol goes then who would you like to see get the job?

Cor wow!!! That’s a toughie, I kinda think that Teddy Sheringham would be back one day. He is a massive fan and loves the club. If he has the appetite for it, as he has made so much money as a player and may not want to come back. But I do think one day he will back. Maybe as a coach and then into the manager. Lets say Martin Jol stays for ten years and then I reckon Teddy.

What do you think of the Supporters Trust and are you a member?

 I have been meaning to join and I think it is a good idea that the fans have a dialogue with the club.

 I think it is healthy that they have a rapport with Paul Barber and Daniel Levy. I think generally the club treat them well. Occasionally you will see something from the club where you think ”that’s a bit patronising”, which I imagine does annoy the trust. The trust is one those things that is a good idea and I do intend to join and must get round to doing so.

Do you think the game has changed for the better since the introduction of the premiership and TV money etc?

Yeah I think it has, we see better players, and better football and we watch it in safer surroundings.

We lost some elements of the game. We seemed to lose the traditional 3pm Saturday k.o, and we kinda have to dance to the tune of the TV schedules. Thankfully we haven’t had too many of those 5.15pm games on a Saturday. I think we have only had one and that was the Albion cup game. Generally as I say the standard of players now is fantastic but the price you have to pay is turning up at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon.

Leading on from that question Paul, would you like to see the return of some terracing?

Hmmmm Its difficult isn’t it. The worry is if you bring terracing back and something terrible happens you have everyone saying I told you so.

As it stands we are able to watch some great football in safe surroundings. We can all remember what it was like when the knees up mother brown would start, or a goal would go in and you end up twenty foot away from where you originally was!! And everyone that went away would get shepherded by some fervent coppers and herded into small areas and you’d think, “I don’t like this”. Eventually common sense would prevail and you would all manage to spread yourself out across the terrace. The terraces were great, but ultimately I think they have had their time.  There are some things you don’t want to see come back and this is one of them.

Describe a typical new fan

At Tottenham???? WE have new fans???!!!! The club that attracts them is Chelsea and Andy often tells me that he gets asked at Fulham Broadway station by people with Japanese or Russian accents “which way to the ground?”, and it really pee’s him off!!!

With respect though if you are a kid growing up in north London, and don’t have the peer pressure of Dad or someone in the family, why would you follow Spurs? The club has always had fans with money follow them, rather than the nouveaux fan money coming into the club, when football became fashionable.

The gooners attract them, and the Fast show sketch with the Arsenal fans with hampers may not be too far from the truth. Not all of them, but there is certainly larger elements of that there, than there is at Spurs.

Is there anyone that sits near you that gets on your nerves or that really makes you laugh?

My mate Rob that I sit with for every game makes me laugh, because he is the eternal pessimist!! He picks me for a game and says, “I have a really bad feeling about today.” We could be playing Dagenham and Redbridge in the third round of the cup, or we could be playing Chelsea. That is always the first thing he says to me.

I tend to be a bit pessimistic myself. The only time I was optimistic recently, was for the Seville game, and I really thought we was going to the final. So I’m going back to being pessimistic!! I’ve learnt my lesson. There is a bloke that sits near us, that just loves Jermaine Jenas. He cannot see anything that he does wrong. If he over hits a ball, he’ll blame a player for not being where Jenas has hit it. Of course he loved it at the weekend when he popped up and scored against the goons! But he is great, always shouting “oooh unlucky JJ”, but he’s ok in his own way.

 I used to sit near a bloke years ago and we ended up having to move. Every free kick, every corner, every set piece, this bloke would shout “BACK DOOR, BACK DOOR”. Also during a game he would have a small radio to his ear, and all of a sudden you would hear “OH NO” and everyone would say what’s happened? ………“ Airdrie have gone 2-1 down”!!!!!

Who cares????? Also you could whisper a conversation to your mate in amongst thirty six thousand and somehow, he’d hear it, and start to join in your personal conversation. In the end I couldn’t stand it, and had to move. 

Is there anyone at Talksport you disagree with, with regards to views on football?

Well Adrian (Durham) does it for fun really. He was having a pop at Spurs the other day, but every club gets it from time to time.

Mike Parry is a bit different, as he is pure panto. But Adrian makes you think he means it. I don’t disagree with everything he says, but he would be the one.

Here is another sort of question for you. If you take a hammer to Terry Christian and Mike Parry, there’s a pint waiting for you on the bar of the Bricklayers Arms!!!

“HA HA HA HA Well Terry is just Terry, and everything just comes back to Man United, and there is a bit of the panto villain about him. And really you can’t take Mike too seriously. He has come up with some mad theories over the years. Adrian (Durham) is the marked man.

Andy took him to Stamford Bridge once, and the stick he took was something else. They all spotted that ginger hair of his and he got slaughtered!!!

Which current Spurs players frustrate you and which do you highly rate?

“Ahhh Jermaine Jenas frustrates me the most, as I know there is so much more there. I was talking to Quinny the other day, who knows him from Newcastle, and knows people at Newcastle, and there is this feeling that he plays in a comfort zone.

Take the other day when we played Reading. He pushed the ball past Nicky Shorey and sprinted. I haven’t seen him do that in all the time he has been at Spurs. He stuck a ball into space, and outpaced him!! And I think why don’t you do this more often?????? He just seems to have it all. He hits the ball well, he has a good eye for a pass, he can put a tackle in, he has a great engine, he can even hold his own in the air. But he will just play in that comfort zone. I think he is such a better than anyone has ever seen. I don’t know if it’s a coaching issue, or whether he has slipped into the baby Bentley mentality. When he was at Forest, he was tipped to be a future England captain, so why has he not kicked on?

 He is one of those players that will always be bought, as there is always a coach around the corner, that believes he can be the one that can coach it out of him.

 Zokora frustrated me at the start of the season, because his first touch for a player that cost 8.5 million quid was garbage. It really was the old ‘dog chasing a balloon’. But to be fair he has got better, as French football really is testimonial paced, so it must be a shock to the system to come into the Premiership, especially in midfield doing the role he does.

I think Lee has improved, but ultimately hasn’t got what it takes, to make it in the upper reaches of the Premiership. So they are the ones that frustrate me.

 Well Berbatov…….he’s just sublime and goes without saying. I love Robbie Keane. I love his work rate. There’s that thing about Keane; deadly from forty yards, but a bit iffy from six!! Scoring that goal at Wigan the other day, and then if you see him in a one on one, he seems to cock it up!! That can be frustrating, however if you ask him to turn on a sixpence from twenty five yards, he invariably bangs it in.

Defoe is a good player, but can be a bit one dimensional, and I wonder ultimately if he will move on. When he comes on, I think there is an expectation that he will do more than he can do. I think if you ask most Spurs fans, they would rather see Defoe move on than Keane. That’s if they had to choose.

Do you use, or browse, any independent Spurs websites?

You know, I don’t really. I have a look at the official site, but unfortunately I just don’t get the time, to have a look at the chat sites. If something big happens, I’ll have a look around one or two of the independent sites. I used to get sent a fanzine called My Eyes have seen the glory, but it seems most of them have gone now. I used to see White Lanes around the ground, but that seems to be gone now too. I do have a look at Newsnow, which carries all the stories from the sites, which occasionally take me to the likes of Spurs Odyssey, so I inadvertently get to have a look, from time to time.

Have you ever considered doing the comedy that you write, either on TV or as stand up?

Noooo. I just haven’t got the guts to go up there in front of that sort of live audience. I don’t mind doing the radio, as you are in this hermetically sealed world, where no one can tell you that you are not funny. I done a presentation at my old school a while ago, which was in front of a hall full of fifteen and sixteen year olds. I can tell you, that I was bricking it!! I do a bit for Sky now and then, and of course the radio, but I’m happy just doing the writing, and let someone else get up there and do it.

Who is your all time most reviled Gooner??

Oh wow lets think. Who used to give us the most stick as a player? Funnily enough, Wrighty used to give us a fair bit didn’t he!

He is such a lovely bloke, but as player, he used to give us loads of clog! I’m trying to think who else is, or was always in our face. Henry is always giving it. He does it to most teams, but if they score against us, he is the first up our end, with his arms in the air.

“He always does that snidey sideways look as he runs past”

Yeah, he does love that sideways glance. There must have been loads through the years.

Funnily enough doing this job, you end up talking to them as ex players, and just people.  It kinda mellows over the years, and there seems to be a distance from what they used to do.

Someone that always scored against us, was Ian Allinson. He would always get one during the ‘one nil down, two one up period. But the things is, even though they used to piss you right off, when you get to meet them they seem to be decent blokes. Take Perry Groves. He is the nicest bloke in the world, but when he was on the pitch, he was a real piece of work, and used to love beating Spurs.

Who had the worst haircut at Spurs?

Tramazani’s was a good’un. He had that blonde wedge, that was just John Scales gone bad!!

 There must have been some more terrible ones over the years …… I’m trying to think back to the 70’s, when hair was terrible. Gillys wasn’t great was it? he had a bit of a sweep

“Alfie Conn’s was a bit wild”

Yeah Alfie’s was a very bad one. Mickey Hazard’s, when it was out of control. Some of them must have had perms….Of course, Glenn’s perm was the worst.

“Especially with the tache combo”

Oh yeah yeah yeah. Glenn’s perm was a bad mistake, I’m definitely going with that.

Here’s one you must have known was coming …name your all time Spurs XI

Ok Errrr Pat Jennings in goal…….at right back…. I’m trying to think of players that at the time they played, I rated them, and how I felt about them.

In his pomp, Steven Carr was the best right back I have seen. You know what forget that. For unfulfilled potential, and was someone I loved to watch was Danny Thomas. Centre half would be Mike England. He was a very underrated player and never given the credit he deserved. Also Ledley King. Ledley is a far greater footballer than Sol Campbell. And when he’s fit, and on his game he is awesome.

Cyril Knowles is the best left back I’ve seen. The midfield is really hard, and I’ve been asked this before. So in no particular order, and I’m trying to incorporate a bit of balance too…I’d have Stevie Perryman in there. Glenn obviously. Gazza would be in there. Again in his pomp Waddle was just fantastic.

Up front it has to be Jimmy Greaves, who scored the first goal I ever saw at Spurs.

 And for what he gave to the team; and the sheer joy he was to watch, I would have to say Klinnsmann. It’s so hard as there are so many great players I have missed out there.

Your greatest moment as a Spurs fan?

It has to be the Man City replay. That was just an incredible night. It was a great game, and a real roller coaster.

I was behind that goal, and to see Villa get that ball, and hearing everyone shouting PASS PASS, he just kept going and going. After going off in that first game it was just the fairytale.

After that the UEFA cup final. Again that night, I was behind that goal for the pens with Tony Parkes. That was a fantastic night.

 Couple of key games too. When we needed to beat Leeds to stay up, the Southampton game when we needed the points and it was looking bad. Overall with the occasion, and the way we won the game, it has to be City in the final.

What do you think of the current ‘invasion’ of foreign owners coming into the Prem?

Well I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens to us!! The share price has gone up, and I think we have to be prepared for it.

It’s interesting working so closely with a Chelsea fan, when they went from being in real trouble and having to sell a load of players off, to being bought by Abramovich and the excitement of all that money and players coming in.

Andy says, “be careful what you wish for”, with all the internal strife they have had. You see what has happened at West Ham with all the stuff that has gone on with the Argentineans, so it does have to be the right sort of money and intentions. As Tottenham fans; when West Ham signed Mascherano and Tevez we all thought bloody hell, they are gonna be so strong, this will be a turning point, but of course it didn’t happen. There must be buyers sniffing around us, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it does happen to us. The problem we have is the club is struggling to find a new site. To take us to sixty thousand with the current infrastructure isn’t going to happen, and I do think we can fill a fifty thousand plus ground most weeks.

 I’m surprised we didn’t try to buy the site that the News International group have bought just off the M25 at the A10. They are looking to get in at Whitewebbs for the training ground, and there have been rumours that we are looking for a ground around that M25 area too. But I hope we don’t have to go out that far really.

Who are your favourite guitarists, as I understand you used to be involved with Guitarist magazine?

Yeah I used to work on guitar magazine, what a good question. I’ll give you a couple from leftfield. Brian Robinson from Thin Lizzy, and Bill Nelson from a group called be bop deluxe, he was a wonderful guitarist so it’s them two I’m going with.

What positions need strengthening at Spurs, and who would you like to see fill them?

Left side of midfield, and a player they looked at last year, Martin Petrov. He is just coming back from a long-term injury and he is a mate of Berbatov. He broke his leg last year and has missed most of the season. Great at set pieces, so JJ won’t have to take them all. He is strong, and quick and already pals with Berbatov. I could come out with all sorts of fantasy players, but realistically Petrov could come.

Another one is Wayne Bridge. I would love to see him tempted to the lane. We need a proper left back, left mid, and also some cover for right back.

I tell you what we really miss is a real leader on the pitch. It’s what the Americans call a ‘go to guy’; we need someone in the Graham Roberts mould. Ledley is a great player, but I don’t know if he is that type of character to get hold of the team by the scruff of the neck. Those times they drop deeper and deeper, or go one down early on. Take the Arsenal game, Malbranque’s arse went!! He seemed shell-shocked and went hiding, because he knew what he had cost us against Seville. We need someone to have a look round the team and say “come on” and just get hold of the game, and certain players too.

Do you have a top three ‘most disliked teams. The usual suspects being West Ham Arsenal and Chelsea??

I used to go and watch West Ham as a kid, as a lot of my extended family are hammers. When I was a kid, and too young to go to away games with Spurs, I got taken over West Ham. I know they despise us but I really don’t mind West Ham.

Obviously I have no love for Arsenal. I have a lot of mates that are Arsenal fans, and there’s plenty of banter between us, but I’d happily see them go down.

The Chelsea thing…. well I feel a bit for Andy because he has to put up with that whole “where were you when you shit” thing on the terraces and he’s been going to the bridge since 1957!! But they do have a fair bit of that new fan thing where the ones giving it at away grounds about being champs have probably only been going five or so years. If Chelsea were to go down I’d just get it in the neck from Andy and the show would just suffer!!! So professionally I do need them to be good !!!!! But as I said I would happily see the gooners go down.

Can you give me your top three TV comedies and characters?

Oh Porridge is my all time favourite sit-com, so Fletcher is my number one character, he was a work of genius.

I wrote some stuff for the Two Ronnies, which was an honour. Hancock was fantastic, and another work of genius. Lastly I love Larry David and Curb your enthusiasm. He is this odd twisted terrible bloke. They are also a good cross section across the whole comedy spectrum.

“Do you find you lose a bit of enjoyment of comedies that others may get, as you are analysing what and how it has been written?”

No not really I just sit and laugh at it like anyone else that is enjoying it. If it makes me laugh, it makes me laugh.

Who does Harry Hill support?

He doesn’t support anyone. He has no love at all for football and just flat not interested. It isn’t something we even discuss. Occasionally, I’ll put something in the script for TV Burp that is football related, and Harry writes on the scripts “Is this football a football joke?” so he really hasn’t got a clue about the game.

“This may sound a bit Partridgesque!!……Peter Cook, Paul Whitehouse and Paul Hawksbee. Versus Rory McGrath, Alan Davies and Clive Anderson. What does that tell you about following Spurs, as opposed to Arsenal and having a sense of humour?”

“Ha ha yeah very good!!!!! Well Rory has been on the show, and you know we don’t like them, they don’t like us, we love to see them get gubbed and vice versa. But again I have mates that are Arsenal fans and away from football we all live amongst each other, so it’s hard not to have nothing at all to do with people that support them. Paul Whitehouse used to go to Spurs with a good friend of mine Adrian Thrills, that used to work on the NME. Jah Wobble, you can add to the list of celeb spurs fans, he is a funny guy. Old Cooky used to go to all the games. I remember him doing a draw at halftime, with a glass of wine in hand clearly pissed!! So we used to have him on match days, he would be a bit sweary and a bit drunk but also very funny.

Have you ever worked for the club in any capacity?

No, I worked for Chelsea with their head of media, which was very odd as a Spurs fan. I was working there when they beat us six one at White Hart Lane, so going to work on the Monday morning was fun seeing people like Dennis Wise….yeah tremendous!!

Is it gut wrenching to have to be nice to Ian Wright on the hand over from your show to his on Talksport?

I try to give him a bit of clog. After the Arsenal game I said to him I thought that was a well deserved 2-2, and that we was all over them in the second half!! So a bit of that goes on, but Wrighty is a good lad. The players really don’t feel it like we do. A few years back I remember when all the players after a North London derby would go out on the lash together. It is very different for them, and generally the players from different teams do get on.

One of our posters called The Ghost always puts pictures up on the message board called ‘Bird of the Day’ and he gives us five or six pictures of a celebrity wearing very little!! So who would your choice be for The Ghost to feature?

Well it would have to be from her hey day, and not with the fish lips she has now. I’m going with Meg Ryan, but definitely from when she was in her pomp!!

Is Chris Hughton bullet proof?

He’s kinda part of the furniture now, and his boy plays for the club in the youth team.

A lot of teams seem to have an assistant that is a link to their respective pasts. I was talking with Frank Skinner on the show the other day, and we were asking ‘what do assistant managers do?’ Martin Jol must know enough people to bring his own man in, but he has obviously seen something in Chris he likes. He was a great player for the club, and has a love for the club. I wouldn’t say he is bullet proof, but I can’t see him going anywhere in the near future.

You have free reign to produce the halftime entertainment at White Hart Lane. What would we see?

I really like that one that some clubs do where you have to fire a ball through the door of a shed! We should start doing that.

We could see if JJ could have a go!! If you can get the ball in the shed, you can come on for the second half! We used to have Chiv and his deck chairs didn’t we?

I remember people shouting leave the deckchairs on and take Freund off!!!

What a welcome Freund got the other day on the pitch. He was a real comedy character cult hero.

I remember watching Rocket Ronnie and he always reminded me of someone that had won a competition in the Enfield Gazette to have a game for the Spurs!!

Paul many thanks for taking the time to speak to fromthelane.co.uk

My pleasure.

© Lyndon Brown - Fromthelane Messageboard

If you would like to use this article, or any part of it, please contact us here